Speed Bump Bitterness

None of these shenanigans in our neighborhood.

When we moved into our new neighborhood there were a few things that made it stand out. There is a golf course really nearby, so if we ever decided to take up golf, we wouldn’t have to go far. Most of the houses looks the same, so when we are giving people directions to get to our house, we can just tell them that we live right next door to the house that looks exactly like ours.

The third distinguishing thing is that our neighborhood has speed bumps. Lots and lots of speed bumps. So much so that other people who are in neighboring neighborhoods refer to ours as the speed bump neighborhood. No matter which way you go in our and out of the neighborhood, there are 5 speed bumps in the way. If you decided you just wanted to tour our neighborhood from the beginning in one spot and going out the other way, that adds up to about….10.

Speed bumps help with the safety in the neighborhood.

These speed bumps, while keeping kids safe I guess, (which there are plenty of in the neighborhood) provide a few problems. First of all, some people just want to avoid us at all costs. That is fine with me, because people are the worst.

Another problem could be if one of our houses was on fire and a fire truck had to navigate that. They would be going 50-60 miles an hour to get to us, and then have to slow to 5 mph as soon as all the speed bumps came into play. That extra 5 minutes could cost me my laptop, or TV or my Hot Pocket that was just starting to cool down and then it got hot again.

The worst thing of all is the pizza. Imagine you order a pizza from Pizza Hut. You are tracking your pizza on the Hut app, and he or she is finally to your neighborhood. Then the GPS sees a bunch of bumping up and down. Then the camera pans to the pizza sitting right next to the driver and it is bumping up and down. By bump number 4, it flips upside down, and then you see the GPS turn around. Bumping and bumping as they return to the store; upset, angry and frustrated that they have to return to make a whole new one and return on the opposite side.

The only way they will deliver to us in the future.

Rinse and repeat. By the time they try one delivery, and fail epically, Pizza Hut decides to shut down delivery for your neighborhood. Then all the pizza places talk, and they all shut down delivery there.

It’s a nightmare.

Now I’m stuck with this crick in my neck and a sad, empty, lonely spot in my stomach that mourns the loss of pizza.

Speed bumps in life are way better than speed bumps in my neighborhood.

ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Speed Bump Ben